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Today's blog is going to touch base on something that has plagued me for 17 years. My heart has had this black void for so long that sometimes I feel accustomed to it. This week, Sunday to be exact, would have been my Baby Brothers 36th birthday. I would give anything in the world to celebrate that day with him physically here at my side. You would think one would get over a loss that happened that many years ago, but, I can honestly say, "it's easier said, than done". When you are as close to someone as I was with my Brother you never really get over the fact that they're never coming back. I have accomplished so many wonderful things in my life since he passed. I find myself at every milestone wishing he were there with his big beautiful smile and safe arms wrapped around me, congratulating me. There was always something extra special about knowing my Brother was proud of me.
You see, my Brother and I had a very tough life growing up, so we quickly became each others, Mother, Father, Brother, Sister and Best Friend. We did EVERYTHING together. We were like apples and cinnamon! If I went somewhere he was with me. If I had big news, he was the first one I'd tell. If I needed someone to make me laugh when I was angry or sad, he was the guy to do it. God, how I miss him prancing around my house in my old crushed velvet off the shoulder mini dress with a scarf tied around his head in a big Madonna 80's bow, with clip- in earrings & high heels. This was one of his favorite things to do to cheer me up. It always worked! He always knew how to make everything bad go away. I have so many great childhood memories with him. I would have to say my best one is when him and I were living with our Aunt Bev and Uncle Dad, and my brother decided to play Superman. He got on our top bunk and grabbed the string hanging from the old light fixture in our room and jumped, somehow thinking this thing would hold his weight. NOPE! Down he went light fixture and all. Not only did he pull the light completely out of the ceiling but he also blew every fuse in the house! Boy was my Uncle Dad mad! In fact, I have never seen him that angry before. I can hear Uncle Dad marching up the stairs saying all kinds of "Good Golly Gee Whizzes" only it really wasn't those words exactly. I took off running like a bat out of hell! Left my Brother in the dust. Ha! ha, there was no way I was gonna get into trouble for that escapade. He was always getting into mischief. The boy couldn't keep socks and shoestrings to save his life. He was always using them to create a makeshift wire for his He- Man, Skelator and Transformers to slide down. His socks always served as a booby trap for the enemy action figure. He'd place them inside the socks and swing them around his head and release it. He called it "The Vomit- er"! Boy, everyone would get so mad when it was time to get our shoes and socks on to go somewhere only to look at my Brother standing there with no shoelaces, shoe tongues flapping down revealing the fact he had no socks on. I can still see it like it just happened......
As I sit here typing this I find myself laughing out loud and a burning sensation in my throat and eyes. The laughter is my love for him, that is still as strong as it was when he was here. And the burning is the pain of that void I have in my heart. Some day's, I miss him so much it seems too much to bare. Others, I am able to find a peace when I picture his face. I think those are the days when he is around me. I love it, when I have a very vivid dream of him. It is always so bright and peaceful in them. We usually are sitting at a kitchen table chatting about things. Catching up on my life. It always feels so real when I get a hug. They never end sadly, they always end with, until next time. I feel these dreams are his way of coming to see me from where he is now, because, I don't get to have them often. Some people might think it's crazy and impossible, but I believe it's possible. Some of my best days have been after one of those dreams. I feel a temporary seal on that void. A feeling of no loss, just peace.
I am so thankful that I was blessed with 2 amazing children who remind me so much of my brother and I growing up. In fact, they are about the same amount of years apart and they both look so much like my Brother and I. It's kind of scary actually, but none the less, a blessing. It was and still is like reliving the story of my Brother and I all over again. I catch myself at times, asking, could this be what was meant to happen? Were my Children sent to me for this very reason? I believe in fate and destiny. My Children are my fate, they are my destiny. They were the gift of life, the strength to go on after that day on October 11, 1995 when I thought I would die with him. I see Randy, in so many things everyday. Whether it be a daisy, a red rose or the smile on my Son's face. He's always there, I know. But, I just wish I could have him back here with me to share every part of my life.
I have not gone to his final resting place in years because I find it to painful. I relive that cold October day following the hearse to the cemetery. I just can't get past the overwhelming feeling of pain and anger of his death when I go to that piece of earth that is cradling my Baby Brother's body. It takes over me. I always fall apart. I hate putting my Wife through that. I know she understands, but I don't like her seeing me like that. One day, I will get there again, one day.To all of my readers that have suffered or are suffering from a loss, know that I understand your pain, I understand how very hard it is to completely let go. It's OK, I promise. You will one day look at that picture or that video and smile through the tears. It will get a little better as time goes on. You will never completely get over it, but you will learn to continue to live happily.
So my Friends, it is with a heavy heart that I end today's blog....
Sending big hugs, remembering with you, from my heart to yours, Dani
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